Spirit On The Margins

 We held our annual City House celebration for all of our constituents on Thursday night.  It was an opportunity to celebrate what our City House community has done together this past year and what God is doing through us - with our volunteers, program participants, social service agency partners, “Will You Drink From This Cup?” program learners and participants, board members, donors, and friends.

We started out by remembering that our theme for last year’s celebration was “The Most Dangerous Prayer Of All? Yes” based on a poem, “Dangerous Prayers”, by Regina Sara Ryan. The essence of the poem invites us to live dangerously by inviting God to do whatever it is that God wants to do in our lives. It was a year ago, that we acknowledged at City House our need for a year of discernment - a year in which we prayed and listened openly and honestly about where God would have us go.

As a consequence, we ended up saying “yes” to some significant commitments that have taken us in new directions. City House test piloted an outcomes measurement system with the support of the Otto Bremer Foundation, that will now allow us to observe what God is up to in our core volunteer program of providing spiritual companionship for and with the poor.

We conducted our first inner city pilgrimmage in partnership with Christos Center for Spiritual Formation. That retreat opened our eyes to the possiblity of a mission expansion - that we had as much to offer the mainstream world as we did the persons who find themselves on the margins of society. It led us to moving from a mission of “tending to the spiritual lives of the poor, inspring hope” to a mission of  ”connecting the mainstream and margins for mutual spiritual growth and transformation.”

That shift in mission in turn led us to the development of the “Will You Drink From This Cup?” pilot program, just completed - where mainstream learners entered into relationships with “friends” on the margins of society so that both parties might grow spiritually.

We followed this celebration of the year in review in which we said “yes”, by reflecting on our shared poverty of spirit, whether mainstream or societally marginalized. We read and reflected on the Macrina Wiederkehr poem, “Blessed are the Poor in Spirit”, as a way to best express that sentiment. Marcina Wiederkehr web site

Small groups then reflected on and shared personal stories around the following questions:

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you were full of a false idea(s), and then came to discover the truth. What happened?

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you felt small, powerless, and needy. How, if at all, did that time open your heart?  How, if at all, did it become a time of blessing?

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you were forced to let go of your plans and your timing and had to wait on God.  What happened?

Question:  Describe a time in your life when you finally realized that you needed to rely on God and you felt good about it.  What happened?

“Will You Drink This Cup?” program learner, Angelie Ryah- Dahn then shared her story about her friendship with a woman from Central Avenue Apartments.  Then, one of the participants from Reentry Metro, VJ, shared her story about being a friend to one of the program learners. She was unable to be present for the celebration, and so, her thoughts were read to us from something she had written up.

“I was very grateful to be accepted as I am.  The caring spirit and kindful heart of her friendship to understand me was a blessing. What was a touching experience was when we both connected and were able to grow with each other.  During our meetings in small steps we supported each other in healing through our brokenness.”

“Everytime you shed a tear, you are healing your own soul.  In every tear drop, there is a rainbow, whch is a promise from God.  I am committed to share my life with anyone who wants to talk about it.  The bad and good.  I do this in honor and memory of my brother Jr. Thank you City House!! (Thank you VJ!!!)”

Finally, we asked program participants to come forward and personally bless each of our volunteer spiritual companions for their gift of listening on the margins of society. Jim Dodge, our founder, closed with prayer. Once again, the sense of community among this diverse group of people was palpable. I am grateful to be a part of it. 

Our topic at our last “Will You Drink From This Cup?” program was pain and suffering. Our guest presenters were Trindad and Terry Shaughnessy. Terry is a City House spiritual companion volunteer and has developed a long term relationship with Trinidad, an immigrant from the Caribbean island of Trinidad, that found himself homeless in the streets of St Paul.  (See City House newsletter article written by Terry, “Reflections on a day with homelessness” about his day on the streets of St Paul with Trinidad.) 

Reflections on a day

The use of childern as soldiers is a human rights violation in various parts of the world. Apparently, that is also true in the history of the nation of Trinidad.

trinidad-child-soldiers

Trinidad (the person presenting at our session) talked about becoming a soldier at age 12.  His parents were murdered when he was 17. For his entire adult life, he has had flashbacks of his earlier life as a child soldier.  At one point, the flashbacks were so severe that he could not sleep for 30 days.  Eventually, the father of a friend brought him to the United States.

He wound up sleeping on the floor of the Dorothy Day homeless shelter in St Paul for 7 months.  “I would sleep for only 2 hours a night, while I was there. I would get up and clean up the park and the streets as a way to deal with my anger and pain about where I was in life.”

“When I was young, hatred kept me alive, but not now.  Now I am a soldier of kindness, happiness, and humor.  I am a survivor. I learned that I could survive any situation.”  Today, Trinidad is known on the streets of St Paul as an ambassador that people trust.  His trademark is humor and he likes to use it to defuse even the most difficult situations and the meanest people he encounters.  ”You dropped something mam,” he says to one of the learners in our class, as he points at the floor. As the woman looks down he says, ”your smile.”  I’ve heard him use this one so often, it has lost its charm on me.  But, it seems to work on this woman.

Terry, our City House volunteer, talked about what he has learned from Trinidad.  Trinidad has taught him about the importance of the use of humor and how to put people at ease. When asked by a learner about the biggest obstacle he had to overcome in his relationship with Trinidad, he says, “fear.”

Terry and Trinidad make it clear to each other in front us that they have a deep appreciation and even love for each other. They both acknowledged the size of the other’s heart.

What a blessed evening.

This poignant poem was written by Teyunna Spears, a City House participant.

I Am A Survivor

Life wasn’t easy growing up as a child, nor is it easy now, But I’m still here, alive trying to make it the best way I know how.

Through the abuse, the neglect, the hurt, the pain I feel each day, Running to drugs, alcohol, anything to make it go away. I didn’t trust enough to let anyone too close to my heart, Not knowing I was pushing away those who truly loved me from the start. 

Sick and tired of being sick and tired, I gave up on my life, Depression and drugs had taken over and all I wanted was to die.

I tried many, many times to forget my unwanted past, Dreaming of happiness and peace with the Heavenly Father at last. I couldn’t understand why God did not want me, Why He chose me to suffer a life so crazy.  I realize now things happened for a reason, I have to keep the faith, stay strong and start believing. 

It’s a struggle to accept the things I cannot change, But I have the willingness to overcome my past today.  I survived all past hurts because I am blessed, With the good Lord above I will pass this test.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know things will soon be alright, That He’s always with me and will never leave my side.

I Am A Survivor! 

Learners from the “Will You Drink From This Cup?” program and participants of the Reentry Metro program

Another astounding story we heard on our inner city pilgrimage for the “Will You Drink From This Cup?” program was from a woman we will call Martha. She lives at Reentry Metro, a half way house for women going into or coming out of prison.

RS Eden Reentry Metro

On the day of our pilgrimage, Martha was fearful. She had been convicted in federal court and was awaiting her sentencing 3 days later, for up to 2 1/2 years in federal prison. She had been convicted of an armed bank robbery. It was hard to imagine this beautiful and sensitive woman sitting in front of us as an armed bank robber. In fact, it was clear that another participant in the room from Reentry Metro saw her as an older and compassionate mentor. Yet, here she was.

As the story unfolded, she explained that her problems all started with undiagnosed mental illness. She suffered from depression and was finally so tired of living with her condition that she decided to commit cop suicide. That is, she robbed a bank with the intent of the police shooting her as a way to kill herself.  She used a bee bee gun to do the robbery and then climbed into her car, waiting for the police to shoot her.

Suicide by cop Wikipedia

Fortunately for her, the police did not shoot her. She was finally diagnosed properly, and she is doing much better now because of having the proper medications. Her biggest fear was regressing in her mental illness as a result of being in prison.

We left there promising to pray for her and believing that a great injustice would be done to sentence a woman like this to prison. To our delight, we heard later that the judge showed leniency and sentenced her to a different half way house, instead of the 2 1/2 year prison sentence that was possible. What a blessing.

Tears of sorrow running from a statue of Mary, the mother of Jesus 

One of the sites at which we serve as spiritual companions is Harriet Tubman Family Alliance. This program includes residential facilities for women that have been victimized by domestic abuse. This story was told by one of our volunteers.

“I arrived at the domestic abuse shelter open to whomever might attend the spirituality group.  Well after ten mintues no one showed up, which happens.  So I decided to be available to anyone hanging out in the community space.”

“I started talking to a small child and she was willing to talk to me too.  Her mother said, ‘My daughter really likes you, you’re fun.  What are you here for?’  Realizing this was an opening, I said, ‘I am a volunteer who leads a spirituality group but nobody came so I decided to just hang out.’  The woman asked ‘Could I still attend the group?’– ‘Oh sure — we still have time.’  She invited three others and we had a group of five.” “The group was very connected, open and deep.  Two of the women really had issues that they needed to share about and needed our open and listening hearts.  Another woman was very spirited and had a lot to say about her strength and hope that comes only from her faith in God.”

“We were praying at the end and the women asked if there was anything about which I needed prayer.  So I told them my father just had another stroke and that I was going to leave tomorrow to visit him in Florida.  I opened up more and said this visit was going to be hard. While my intentions are to be there for my father, he is usually quite critical of me.  These women said the most precious prayer for me after they heard my concern and it brought tears to my eyes.  They were ministering to me.”

Once again, we find ourselves being amazingly blessed by those we come to serve.  The experience is mutual when we all show up to the presence of God in each other.

One of our City House volunteers called in with this story.  She chose to meet on Christmas Eve with the men’s spirituality group she and the guys co-lead in a residential chemical dependency program.  The men celebrating this evening either had no families or chose not to go home because of their need to avoid family gatherings where alcohol and drug use might be commonplace.

The volunteer had requested the previous week that the guys come with a birthday present for Jesus. We always get concerned at City House when things get too explicitly Christian, because we want all participants to feel included regardless of their faith tradition or spirituality. In this group, everyone was a professed Christian, but one who was Muslim, and he was comfortable with celebrating Christmas with the other guys.

They started off with a birthday cake for Jesus. Then, sitting in their circle, they were asked about their present. The first guy responded, “I didn’t really come up with anything. I am a thug. I hardly think that Jesus wants a present from me.” The volunteer and the guys in the group reassured him that wasn’t true and asked him to think of something by the time everyone in the group had responded. 

The other guys in the group took their turns. There was a lot of conversation about forgiveness, of themselves and others. One man talked about his life long habit of self loathing, and that we was going to learn to love himself this year. When everyone had had their turn, it came back to the first guy that had talked. He had tears in his eyes as he said, “I guess I will have to forgive my wife.”

It was a sacred moment and time on a lonely Christmas Eve.

 My wife, 2 sons, and their “significant others” had the honor of serving a holiday dinner at Central Avenue Apartments, a City House site where I volunteer. It is an affordable housing apartment building for persons that have found themselves homeless and are in recovery.

Central Avenue Apartments

We’ve all had experiences where we bring disparate parts of our lives into conversation with each other.  This was one of those for me.  My family has been very supportive of my work, but they have seldom had the opportunity to be in direct contact with friends I’ve made. I care deeply about my family as well as my friends at Central Avenue Apartments, so it was great to bring the two communities together.

To pull off a meal for 30 - 40 people we needed the help of residents to set up tables, clean up afterwards, and for use of ovens to warm food. There was a real sense of connectedness and belonging as we all worked together to prepare and serve the meal. We had underestimated how long it would take to warm the ham. Everyone worked together to problem solve.  Numerous residents volunteered solutions.

I get anxious about big gatherings like this that involve lots of logisitics - not my best skill set.  As usual, I was feeling overly responsible and conscientious to make the whole thing come together.  Fortunately, Jenn, my son’s significant other, and Yolanda, one of the Central Avenue Apartment residents, provided logistical leadership in the right moment so I could let go of some of my anxieties. Lots of people jumped into help in big and small ways.

Because dinner preparation ran long, my family members and residents got the opportunity to sit and talk.  This is an apartment building for adults. Children are only allowed as guests. So, it was really cool to have one resident bring his daughter and another resident and his wife bring their grandchild. It felt much more like a holiday celebration with children present and everyone interacting as families.

At the end of the meal, I was touched by the gratitude expressed to us by some of the residents. It clearly meant something to them. My family members talked afterwards about how much fun the whole experience had been, reconfirming the signs of spirit present among us as we celebrated together. It was one of the highlights of my holiday. I am grateful.

A friend of mine just sent me this quote.

“There’s no one so rich that they have nothing to receive and no one so poor that they have nothing to give.

Mother Marina Elisa Prado, a Carmelite in Guatemala.

Blessings on all of you and your families.

Tomorrow there will be another great program on Speaking of Faith, hosted by Krista Tippett. She will interview the Canadian philosopher and Catholic social innovator, Jean Vanier, who founded a community centered around people with mental disabilities, L’Arche, that has now become a global movement.

“He has spent his life practically exploring the most basic, paradoxical teachings of Christianity — notions about power in humility, strength in weakness, and light in the darkness of human existence — that resonate as Christmas draws near.”

“He follows Gandhi’s good advice, he tells me, that none of us can change the world; what we can change is ourselves. Vanier has always insisted that L’Arche communities are not a ’solution’ to the fact of disability in our world, and the human challenge of that, but a ’sign’ of another way forward.”

“His movement works with people with mental and intellectual disabilities — and does not treat them as problems to be solved. They are honored as a mystery of the human condition — the simple fact that some human beings have been and always will be born with brokenness that is physically rooted, visibly debilitating.”

“But Jean Vanier the philosopher and wise soul has long seen through the true challenge humanity faces before this mystery. He asks, ‘How do we stand before pain? Why are we frightened of people with disabilities?’ After a lifetime steeped in these questions, he answers, it is because we all struggle so fiercely to subdue, deny, and hide the suffering and imperfections in ourselves. Core members at L’Arche are often transformed by the practical love and care they receive. But equally dramatically, the able-bodied, strong-minded individuals who come to share life with them quickly learn that they too are being healed, made whole.”

I get excited every time I hear Jean Vanier speak or read his book. He articulates so clearly the value system to which we ascribe and attempt to live in our work with the poor at City House.

Synopsis of Becoming Human

Here is a story that one of our volunteer spiritual companions shared recently:

“I just met with this man who is in recovery.  Awhile back he was having a really bad day and he decided to go to a bar.  On his way, he ran into someone who asked him, ‘Do you have God in your heart?’ He said, ‘That made me stop and think, but I continued on to the bar, one I had been to a million times.’ 

‘But a strange thing happened. Even though I looked for a long time, I couldn’t find it.  I finally gave up and went back to the treatment center. I know this was a spiritual experience, but I’m still trying to figure it out.’”

This conversation is representative of the conversations we have, day after day, at our 25 City House sites of service, where we now serve at the rate of 4200 visits per year. In this case, as in countless others, the volunteer supported the individual in sorting out the meaning of this spiritual experience for himself, articulating it as a source of strength and hope in his life.

We are so honored to be invited to do this work and to be stewards of people’s sacred stories.