Let go of your middle class values
We were in a meeting with one of our social service agency partners the other day. We were talking about new approaches to doing retreats for their residents. Not many women had been signing up and those that did hadn’t been showing up.
The program manager was reminding us about the “present moment” nature of those we serve. Persons in poverty find themselves living in survival mode. The current crisis, and there are lots of them, gets their full attention. Addicts in recovery are into instant gratification. Those who come from multi-generational poverty never learned our middle class rules about being on time.
I remember when we first started our work at City House. It was challenging to get used to this tendency. If our middle / upper class rules are violated, we tend to get angry and judgmental. It feels disrespectful. After all, we are here to “help them.” How dare they.
A tip for you. You need to let it go. If you truly want to help and if you truly want to open yourself to being transformed by “them”, then you just need to let it go. Forget your mother’s judgmental voice in the background telling you to be on time.
Thoughts?
October 16th, 2007 at 8:23 am
One of the most serious contributing factors to poverty is the lack of skills to function within different class levels. Telling someone it is OK to be late, for instance, does not help them develop skills needed to break the cycle of poverty. Our culture has decided that middle class values are the standard. Because it makes someone angry when another is late is not call to let go of standards. It IS disrespectful to be late, but WE control whether or not it makes us angry or judgemental.
Hold up the standard.
October 16th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Hi DJ,
At City House, we serve as a listening presence to the person with whom we walk. We accept them unconditionally and we are not there to try and “fix” them. There are plenty of other people in their lives doing that to them. We’re simply there to help them tap into their spiritual life which we know already resides in them.
In that context, my impatience and anger at their missing an appointment says more about me than it does the person I am there to love unconditionally.
There are others to help set and enforce standards. It is not mine to do.
October 18th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
I would hope that being respectful and other’s cetered are not middle class values only. Valuing and respecting other people’s time is not a standard, it should be part of the AA recovery plan.
It is also important for poor to learn the things DJ mentioned in his comment. There are programs that do that and have helped many
October 18th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
There are indeed many programs that offer these kinds of “soft skills.” They are, in fact, our partners at City House.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:25 am
My God, how patronising and demeaning you are towards anyone less fortunate than yourself- as if being able to turn up on time or even having the courage of basic courtesy is a “middle-class value”. I have spent much of my adult life hearing this nonsense, and having middle-class people in public authority, such as yourself, “talk down” to me, assuming that I am helpless, unable to organise myself efficiently, etc. What you are doing is refusing to recognise the benefits of your own upbringing and encouraging the worst in others, simply because you are think they are unable to be civilised. It is people like you who will eventually destroy this country.
December 6th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Hi Steve,
Thanks for taking the time to post a comment.
As I read through your comment, I can see how patronizing this can sound. Thanks for sharing that point of view.